Narcissism?
“He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.” George Elliot
I often, often hear the following statements in my office. “I can’t stand it any longer, I simply don’t know what to do. My boss is a complete narcissist and breaks me down whenever he can!”, “She confuses me, she blows hot and cool all the time!”. This is narcissism. It is a key topic of our time and is estimated that 1 out of 6 people show behavioural traits of narcissism. The latter causes havoc in marriages, for children and the workplace; all over.
The word “narcissism” originated in Greek mythology. Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection in a pond. He did not do this because it was beautiful, it was because it was his! He did not eat or sleep and had no concern for anything around him. This eventually led to his demise when he fell over and drowned. His last words were “Oh marvellous boy! I loved you in vain, farewell!”
Narcissists are self-absorbed and egotistic. There is a sense of superiority and entitlement. They think they are better than others and do things better than others around them. Think about it. Much of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important in every situation. They justify it because they are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves at the cost of others.
Narcissism’s defining characteristic is a lack of empathy.
This is the ability to recognising and understand others’ emotional states and perceptions by responding with appropriate with an emotion or action. caring and support. An example of appropriate behaviour is that of a husband arriving home and telling his wife he had a hectic, very difficult day. She listens intently with understanding and consolation. She makes him feel better instead of worse!
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and a favourite behaviour of narcissists. To gaslight someone means to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events. It hinges on creating self-doubt. An example. Sam is married to a narcissist. She likes to say, “That never happened and is all in your imagination.” or “You don’t really feel that way.” Sam often starts questioning his instincts and relies more and more on the ‘reality’ that gets created by his wife.
Some tips to deal with narcissists. FIRSTLY, accept that they are not likely to ever change. One psychologist advised imagining an “As is” written on their foreheads! SECONDLY, don’t argue of fight with them. Never call them out. It will only unleash a powerful comeback and you can never win! When you don’t play you are not going to be pulled into their “madness.” They simply will not see things from your perspective! They just cannot…
So, what do you do when you know that you are right and what the narcissist has to say goes against the grain of who you are? A THIRD tip. Don’t take anything they throw at you personally. Remember it is the narcissist’s attitude of superiority that is speaking. Protect yourself by literally shutting down and doing something else. Watch a movie or take a relaxing bath. This is not easy but worth a try!
Join me to learn more about the topic!
Dr. Sonia