A match and a welding flame
A personal story of my escape from depression, anxiety, negative thoughts and feelings.
I tried. Harder. Still harder. Yet, no success… I keep asking myself if I have failed?
A typical journal entry when I was 38 years old. Many moons ago! “I woke up with dread this morning. My depression is just too much. Why was I ever born? Everywhere I look, my life is falling apart. I grapple every day to pick up the pieces. I don’t have the will to do anything.”
In my case, my depression and anxiety were genetic. My psychiatrist managed my medication optimally. I consulted with a few therapists. I gave up after a few sessions. The thing was that my negative thoughts and feelings were blocking my progress. My resources could only do so much.
I had to decide to combat my thoughts and feelings with hope and effort.
A metaphor explains what I was then doing to myself. I did it for very long time. A match strikes a box and lights a candle. A welding flame does the opposite. It is a million times more powerful than a match. It can’t be blown out and blinds one when not wearing a mask.
Proverbially, lighting a candle with a match, enables us to SEE and garden our potential.
In contrast, the blinding light of a welding flame can DESTRUCT what has been built up.
An illustration from literature:
In Samual Beckett’s play, “Waiting for Godot”, two men, spend their days waiting for someone named Godot, who they believe will bring them salvation. Their hopes fade as Godot doesn’t arrive. The last lines read that they decide to go. “And yet they didn’t move.”
This is what was happening to me. I was stuck in my own Theatre of the Absurd. A tragic heroine. I was blocking myself to build an amazing and productive future for myself. I unfortunately didn’t move to embrace this possibility.
At that stage of my life, I chose to stay embroiled in the harbour of my own mind. My negative and destructive thoughts and feelings held me captive. That’s not what ships are made for. My ship was meant to sail the oceans to beautiful foreign lands!
A letter to myself.
Dearest Sonia
PLEASE light the candle flame, a desire for new knowledge. It will let you see.
PLEASE kill the welding flame. It will destroy you.
PLEASE don’t wait for a fictional Godot, get up from under the tree and commit to solutions.
PLEASE board your ship and steer out of the harbour to beautiful foreign lands…
PLEASE use your resources to help you.
The good news is that I adhered. By Grace, I took the steps to heal myself. I learnt how to do the necessary mental shifts to build a sound and peaceful mind. This enabled me to embrace my life journey with vigour. I had hope for the future!
This is possible for you too. Light a candle in your life and kill the welding flame!
Dr.Sonia
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