A “hot” marriage?
Happily ever after is not a fairytale, it is a decision.
The church bell rings… In curious, silent expectation, guests watch the door. A beautiful, radiant bride starts walking slowly down the isle on her father’s arm. Her bridegroom is waiting to say, “I do”. Everlasting love and commitment to one another is solemnly promised. A few years and two children later, bitter divorce battle. Wedding vows have been forgotten.
Why? A simple answer is that the two have not been well prepared for the marriage journey. Did they know one another’s mental landscape, their thinking habits, and their own as well? No. Have they mastered constructive communication and conflict resolution habits? Possibly not. Did they invest in their personal development and parenting skills? Another “No.” Had they mastered these, the divorce might have been sidestepped. In Gauteng the latest divorce statistic is 26.7 percent.
So, what is the keyword in a marriage? “Love” of course. What is “love?” I have researched this phenomenon for many years. In short, love means to have my needs met. This seemed selfish to me at first but after my lengthy investigation, I agree with this definition. It however means two people have the desire to also meet the needs of a partner. In my own case, I unfortunately only acquired constructive skills during- and after a devastating divorce.
We all desire an “us.” This is the togetherness and intimacy a healthy relationship brings. The “us” has needs as well as each partner in a relationship. ”Us” needs are healthy and generic. They serve as a benchmark against which partners should measure their personal needs for correctness. Examples are high ethical and moral standards, pristine communication, keen financial management, a good sex life, shared spirituality, time to have fun and more…
We all desire an “us.”
Individual needs of a partner are either rational or irrational. Rational needs are aligned with the “Us” ones. Some are “I want him to be transparent about his finances.” and “I want him to let me know if he is going to be late.” Irrational ones are “My partner has to send all his free time with me.”, “She may not say another guy is attractive.” or “He must always approve of me.” The latter needs are based on egocentricity and a lack of consideration, proverbial nails into the coffin of a marriage.
A few tips. The first is to learn how to see, hear and feel my partner accurately. This requires empathy and willingness to place myself in my partner’s shoes. An idea which I have found helpful is to stick a list of feelings on fridge. It is then far easier to identify our feelings correctly. Perhaps both partners can identify a feeling or two and share them with one another at an appropriate time.
The second is to make time to take stock of the relationship once a week for 30 minutes. Partners sit opposite one another with knees touching. Each partner gets a turn to make three statements which are “I would like you to stop doing…”, “I would like you start doing…”, and “I would like you to continue…” The third is to compliment one another and show affection every day and the fourth one is a regular date night!
Dr.Sonia