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A beehive. BUSY BUZZING…This is what happens in our brain in our brain non-stop. It is called self-talk. At the speed of lightening our neurons wire to represent our thoughts of which we have more than 50 000 per day! Contrary to the bees, our self-talk is not always constructive, especially not we say to ourselves about ourselves. It is a matter of build-a-brain or break-a-brain.
It is of crucial importance to touch base and become aware of our self-talk. Typical examples I hear in therapy every day are “Ï am useless”, “I am such a failure!”, “It is all my fault!”, “I am so lonely, nobody likes me”, “When I look in the mirror, I hate myself because I am so ugly!” or “I will surely make a mess at my new job.” And so, the saga goes… Negative, negative, negative…
Many years ago, I discovered that in my past, I often bashed myself to pieces with what I had said to myself about myself during a day. This, before I learnt to challenge and correct my thoughts. In therapy I often ask clients to take a few minutes to write down what they have said to themselves about themselves during that specific day.
So, what is the origin of our negative self-talk? It starts at the word go of our lives. Humans initially see themselves through their parents and caretaker’s eyes. In my own case, I had a young, very critical and insecure father. He pushed and pushed me to be what he could not. When I for instance got lower marks than he wanted for a Maths exam, I was scolded.
The most effective way to deal with negative self-talk is to counter it with positive, supportive statements
I learnt that “Ï am not good enough”, “The world is a dangerous place” and more. The result? A child suffering from childhood anxiety and depression. I developed four potent inner voices which became an ingrained part of me. The first was the non-stop worrier who expected the worst in every situation with “What if” questions like “What if I panic and lose control of myself?” and “What if they think I am weird?” This self-talk promoted anxiety.
Secondly, I developed a strong inner critic which pointed out my flaws and limitations constantly. I compared myself to others and of course they came out far more favourably! This voice ignored my positive qualities and emphasized my shortcomings like “What a disappointment I am!” or “I am too stupid to do it.” A low self-esteem was the result.
My third voice was the victim who believed there was something inherently wrong with me and in in some ways defective. I would say to myself that “I will never be able to…” and “I can’t…” This was a sure pathway to depression. The fourth voice was the perfectionist which goaded me to do better and told me that my efforts were not good enough. Favourite expressions were “I should…”, “I must…” and “I have to…” My perfectionist voice was a double highway to stress and burnout.
So, how did I change? The most effective way to deal with negative self-talk is to counter it with positive, supportive statements. This involves writing down and rehearsing positive statements.
A statement I used many times every day was “Every day in every way, little by little I am getting better and better.” Others were “I have all the financial resources I need.” and “I have a serene, calm and tranquil mind.” Practice makes perfect!
Dr.Sonia