A case study. One winter morning, Susan (54), a well-groomed and attractive woman, married with two adult children who have emigrated, entered my office. She presented as nervous, unsure, and anxious. Once settled with a warm cuppa in her hands, she shyly started discussing the issues that made her seek help. She tells me she thinks she is a failure in every area of her life, she is simply not good enough in her own eyes, not living up to the expectations of others, constantly people-pleasing and even feels she messed up her children.

Moreover, she suspects her husband is having an affair. She said she knew all along that he would do this one day because she is not a good wife although she can’t really explain why. Susan feels a failure and regularly suffers from bouts of clinical depression. It is therefore all her fault. Susan is exhausted, wants to give up her job as a Maths teacher and has even contemplated suicide.

As our discussion progressed, I gently steered our session towards discussing her childhood. I explained how our parents imprint information about ourselves, others, and the world into our subconscious from birth, some positive but others unfortunately negative. These determine how we learn to see ourselves, others, and the world.

As much as one negative comment our parents make about us or a seemingly silly joke about us in front of others can be potentially harmful in the long run. This can fortunately be changed for the better, but the negative ones often stick like glue and are more difficult to change and one must work a bit harder to do this. 

Slowly but surely Susan’s childhood story unfolded… She was the eldest of three children in her family of origin, an excellent teacher, happily married and mother of three adult children.  She grew up in a small town and never lacked financial resources and every opportunity to succeed. It however came at a price.

Her parents, and specifically her father was strict. He imprinted rules upon her such as that they knew best and didn’t not tolerate being questioned about their decisions. Every decision Susan made that was not in line with her father’s, was criticised. She had to be perfect in every way. He wanted Susan to be what he couldn’t be as he came from a poor background and struggled to establish himself as a successful businessman.

When Susan achieved her father was very proud and keenly spread the news of her victories about town. This stroked his ego and made him feel important. To the contrast, when she didn’t get the highest marks in class or win a tennis game, her father made it known that this was not good enough.

He shamed and blamed her and made his disappointment visible even it was by only a specific facial expression. What’s more, he criticized her physical appearance relentlessly although she was a pretty girl. When she finished school and engaged in further studies, her father continued to criticize her relentlessly when she decided upon a career that was not to his liking, married young and started a family soon after.

In follow-up sessions Susan and I identified key core beliefs she developed about herself. Despite all her achievements, she has always felt inferior to others, not good enough and only lovable when she acted according to her father’s wishes. She hated her looks and often felt worthless. Susan was committed to change these beliefs, she has forgiven her father and today she is a fulfilled woman.  Her marriage survived, she is enjoying her job more than ever and has regular contact with her children.