Oct 23

Co-dependence?

“When you say yes to others make sure you aren’t saying No to yourself.” - Paul Cohelo

Vignettes. Sandra is the pretty wife of a corporate bigshot, James. The latter is extremely controlling and criticizes her funky dress code every time they attend a corporate event. Sandra dutifully gives in and allows her husband to pick a different outfit which she hates. One evening Ron and his wife are chatting over dinner. She tells him about his day at work. That night he cannot sleep because he is fretting about his wife’s problem.

What happened in the two stories? Both Sandra and Ron are victims of a painful and destructive dis-ease called co-dependence. This is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of the “giver” or caretaker, sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, the “taker.” This can occur in romantic relationships, parent and child and vice versa, family members and friends.

Fortunately, co-dependence is not a personality trait!
It originates from dysfunctional childhood families.

Co-dependent relationships are one-sided and support, perpetuate, or enable a loved one’s irresponsible or destructive behaviour such as emotional abuse in Sandra’s case. Ron can’t sleep because he internalises his wife’s feelings while she is sleeping peacefully! In healthy relationships, both parties give and receive equally and are able to retain their sense of identity separate from the other.

Givers long to be helpful, fix and rescue their loved one at the cost of their own well-being, their sense of self and that this “self” matters. It is constantly pleasing people instead self-caring. They desperately fear abandonment by a loved one if they don’t. No sacrifice for the other is big enough.  Enmeshed, entangled as in a spider’s web instead of proverbially breathing thorough their own lungs. They may end up enabling harmful behaviours instead as Sandra did. Her happiness and purpose lie in always “servicing”” his needs all the time.

TEST yourself by answering the following questions:

  1. I have a low self-worth.
  2. I didn’t feel love and approval from my parents.
  3. If I’m not in a relationship, I feel desperately alone.
  4. I am a scared that if I don’t please others, they will reject me.
  5. I am submissive, needy and clingy.
  6. I try to control the behaviour of others excessively.
  7. It makes me feel important if others rely on me.
  8. I need others to validate me to feel good about myself.
  9. I find it almost impossible to make independent decisions on my own.
  10. The needs of others are more important than my own.
  11. I look to relationships to provide the good feelings.
  12. I am inclined to overcommit myself in certain situations.

Co-dependence can be overcome. Join me to discover the how!

Dr.Sonia